Whats the Right Blend of Sex, Commitment and Passion…

Finding the right blend of intimacy, love and commitment in a relationship seems to be the old needle in the haystack trick- very few people find it.
While the symbol of two people in love, riding off into the peachy sunset, has been fattened like the udder of a cow to small for milking. The Sad fact is that at least one blockbuster a year makes millions off the ‘happily ever after fantasy’ alongside the numerous whiny musicians humping the same cash mule, with the result of romantic love being collectively deemed the most beloved and disappointing fairytale of all time.

Despite these pitifully active & passive forms of enculturation, most of us have been able to flush the Rupunsalian illusions of Snow White and happily ever after at least half way down the loo. But some of us still wonder how to find the right relationship- one that will make us happy- along side the truth that no one person or thing can make you eternally happy.  But you CAN have a relationship that goes a long way toward being a ‘good relationship’ and that can make you happy.

Picking The Wrong Relationship…

Everyone has been in and around the dating wheel, you know the one it ends in trauma, herpes, or a broken heart. So what is going one when we keep finding relationships that don’t suit us? There are many relationship styles.

First in the list the most frustratingly painful one- unrequited love. This is often promulgated by conflicted attachment styles and fears of intimacy. Most of us know the drill here; You love the ‘said’ person, said person isn’t available- you sense this but you chase said person, said person seems to look available or suddenly changes their fickle mind, things almost look like its going to be an amazing relationship when suddenly said person run’s away, you back off, said person comes back, you teeter back, said person hightails it out- back and forth and so it goes till… nothing. But beyond this place, there are more satisfying relationship styles.

 Roberg J. Sternberg proposed that a relationship made up of intimacy, passion and commitment resulted in consummate love. Neuroscience has proved using fmri scans that this is the most satisfying form of love as it produces seratonin and dompamine highs to rival heroin.

Following Sternberg’s triangular model of love, The challenge is to get clear about what it is that you want from a relationship? I mean what type of relationship do you want? Consummate love isn’t for everyone some people want something a little cooler. So which type of relationship style is for you?
Any style can work when the two people involved both want the same thing. In Astrology, this would be seen by Venus, Mars, and Moon connections. There are some astrology charts that just don’t work together because they don’t have these connections. Without inner planets making great connections one has a type of stale relationship or a business relationship which is formal and perfect for the office.
In theory, all one needs to do is find someone who shares the same relationship ideals…
If only it were that simple:)…but it might be? Sternberg’s theory of different relationship styles goes a long way to put relationships in perspective. He argued that commitment alone is ’empty love’, love without passion or intimacy. In Astrology, you would see this with a strong Saturn and Sun connections between the couple with little or no connection to Venus and Mars. This type of relationship is perfectly functional work relationships or even couples who want a decent measure of distance. The business partnership is for the cool, distant and controlled.
When you add intimacy to this type of relationship, i.e. sharing deep feelings and thoughts combined with a deep level of commitment it becomes= companionate love, often seen in friendships or older relationships where the physical passion has either waned or has been substituted for someone or something else. Some relationships move into this phase over a few years, while others begin like this.
It takes lots of fun, openness sometimes even hard work to keep a relationship passionate.
Many people are happy with passionless relationships while for others passion is as important now as it was then. Passion can also change form as people age. I have heard wonderful storied of 75-year-old’s who enjoy a passionate sex life (once a day!) and 85-year-old’s who now enjoy their passion for bird watching together in the park.

When passion is important the steady decline of it or the change of a relationship from a sexual relationship to a friendship can cause much stress and unhappiness and sometimes it signals the end. Active and regular communication and self-knowledge are key during times of life changes or cyclic changes.

Fatuous love= Passion + commitment without intimacy. This kind of relationship is a popular trend in today’s culture. Favoured by people who are unable to reveal their emotional selves, connect or share themselves deeply. These two-dimensional relationships mechanized. No real vulnerability is shared; two people fuck and spend time together without knowing or caring about one another beyond that. The person, like the relationship, is an asset, functional, objectified and utterly superficial, it is an empty vessel to fulfill an objective need that can’t truly ever be fulfilled. The passion in these relationships is not sustainable and drys up.
Each person needs and hunts for different types of relationships. Astrology can reveal what type of relationship you need and what type of relationship you have. It must also be said the long-term relationships go through cycles, thus levels of intimacy, passion and commitment wax and wane considerably. Astrologically these cycles can be plotted if they are a concern.
The key is finding the courage to find and create the space for the relationship you want.
Go Gently, Be Kind.
Image Credit: The Judgement of Paris, Peter Paul Rubens
Laura Bradfield is qualified Astrologer who practices in Cape Town, a member of the Cape Town Astrological Society and conducts personalised astrological readings and consultations.

Author Laura Selena

I have a passion for exploring what makes this life meaningful. I've been studying and teaching since I left school although qualified as an Astrologer, Aromatherapist, Reflexologist & Psychologist. I will probably never stop studying, writing and questioning reality.

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