Whats the Right Blend of Sex, Commitment and Passion…
Finding the right blend of intimacy, love and commitment in a relationship seems to be the old needle in the haystack trick- very few people find it.
While the symbol of two people in love, riding off into the peachy sunset, has been fattened like the udder of a cow to small for milking. The Sad fact is that at least one blockbuster a year makes millions off the ‘happily ever after fantasy’ alongside the numerous whiny musicians humping the same cash mule, with the result of romantic love being collectively deemed the most beloved and disappointing fairytale of all time.
Picking The Wrong Relationship…
Everyone has been in and around the dating wheel, you know the one it ends in trauma, herpes, or a broken heart. So what is going one when we keep finding relationships that don’t suit us? There are many relationship styles.
First in the list the most frustratingly painful one- unrequited love. This is often promulgated by conflicted attachment styles and fears of intimacy. Most of us know the drill here; You love the ‘said’ person, said person isn’t available- you sense this but you chase said person, said person seems to look available or suddenly changes their fickle mind, things almost look like its going to be an amazing relationship when suddenly said person run’s away, you back off, said person comes back, you teeter back, said person hightails it out- back and forth and so it goes till… nothing. But beyond this place, there are more satisfying relationship styles.
Roberg J. Sternberg proposed that a relationship made up of intimacy, passion and commitment resulted in consummate love. Neuroscience has proved using fmri scans that this is the most satisfying form of love as it produces seratonin and dompamine highs to rival heroin.
When you add intimacy to this type of relationship, i.e. sharing deep feelings and thoughts combined with a deep level of commitment it becomes= companionate love, often seen in friendships or older relationships where the physical passion has either waned or has been substituted for someone or something else. Some relationships move into this phase over a few years, while others begin like this.
It takes lots of fun, openness sometimes even hard work to keep a relationship passionate.
When passion is important the steady decline of it or the change of a relationship from a sexual relationship to a friendship can cause much stress and unhappiness and sometimes it signals the end. Active and regular communication and self-knowledge are key during times of life changes or cyclic changes.
The key is finding the courage to find and create the space for the relationship you want.